Here is an updated timeline of the recent events in Israel and Palestine, for those of you who haven't been able to keep up with recent events:
A few days ago, a group of right-wing Jews entered a temple considered holy to both Muslims and Jews as a show of strength to remind the Arabs that the Jews own the land on which the temple stands. Naturally, protests erupted, with The Arabs throwing rocks at the Israelis, and the Israelis shooting the Arabs. The clashes so far have left at least 30 Arabs and 10 Israelis dead.
A few days after the unrest began, the Prime Minister of Israel received top secret information from the Mossad, Israel's intelligence service, that the Arabs were using large numbers of rocks and stones to combat the well armed Israeli forces. "It is these stones, boulders and pebbles that are standing in the way of absolute Israeli military domination in the region," announced Prime Minister Ehud Barak, adding that stones often "impaired the ability of security forces to aim their automatic weapons." He announced that there would be an immediate ban on all rocks, small stones and weapons grade boulders. An army of military bulldozers and rock crushers was assembled and moved to Jerusalem.
On Saturday, President Clinton of the U.S. and many of the country's congressmen held a press conference in support of Barak's decision to ban rocks. "As with any decision to ban rock, we must think of the children," said Mr. Clinton. "We applaud President Barak for his brave stance. The children of all countries must be protected." The president went on to add that "Studies have shown that stone throwing in Arab youth often leads to a dangerous addiction to being shot in the head."
However, in the politically charged campaign season, the administration's opponents were quick to voice their protests. The National Rifle Association, worried that the rock ban would set a dangerous precedent and undermine carefully built legislative support for new teflon school-wall piercing ammunition, announced its dissaproval on Sunday. Along with a coalition of Christian Conservatives led by Pat Robertson calling itself "Those Without Sin," The association has raised fears of a voter backlash around the country. Abortion protesters have been recruited to stage rock-throwings in many major cities, breaking windows in many Gay and Lesbian neighborhoods. Homosexuals are reputed to be somehow involved in a mysterious "Jewish Conspiracy" that has its roots in Israel.
Meanwhile, at the beginning of the work week in Israel, logistical problems arose when it was discovered that all of the poorly paid manual laborers in the area who might be used to operate the heavy rock-crushing machinery were actually Palestinian. After shooting a few people with no positive results, Israel's governing body withdrew to discuss alternative rock removal tactics. The Los Angeles police department, in a show of support, shot three children wearing the same color pants and critically injured a man waving a remote control in a "threatening manner" in his backyard in Anaheim.
During Tuesday night a group of environmental extremists lead by members of Greenpeace hijacked the machinery and loaded it on the Rainbow Warrior, the flagship of the movement. They left a videotaped statement to the effect that rocks were "not only the original indigenous inhabitants of the area, but also necessary to the diet of many environmental aware vegans. We cannot afford to let these stones become another unmarked casualty of war." The Greenpeace ship was destroyed the next morning by a group of French frog-men acting under cover of water.
Tensions in Jerusalem itself are not likely to be eased by today's announcement from the pentagon that, in response to a rude gesture by a high ranking Iraqi pediatrician, 137 bombing sorties had been launched across Iraq. The exercises will present an awesome show of might as F-16 fighters and F-117 stealth bombers roared over Iraq dropping thousands of pounds of bombs. The bombs, as a budget saving measure, were filled with concrete.
Hopefully this report has clarified the situation in the Mideast for our readers. Check this site often for further analysis as events warrant.
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